The Heads up on Rapport

“So the Jock said to his unsuspecting listening audience:

Yeah, if they look to the left , they’re lying!”

That was in the blog post from 5th August and so was
“wait until you get onto studying what people do with their heads yet alone the words they use!”
and here it is. You see …

A nod’s as good as a wink

well sort of……
Much is made of body matching to get into rapport with someone:
full body matching, half body matching, mirroring, etc. but actually it is much more simple than that!

Use your head

You don’t have to sit in the same way as the person you are talking to
you don’t have to shape your body into a posture that they are using
you don’t have to follow their movements to get into rapport although it helps and sometimes there is no alternative, such as young love where you just have to mirror and match! Smile

In “That’s a Lie” we looked at what people do with their  eyes, which means we can also quickly glean what is their prime sense. Whether it is Visual or Kinaesthetic or Auditory or Gustatory/Olfactory.

It is fairly safe to assume that if a person repeatedly looks up, whilst in conversation, they are probably accessing remembered (Vr Visual remembered) or constructed images (Vc Visual constructed) and therefore, their strongest sense is probably Visual.

To gain rapport with a Visual you could start using visual words and upward eye movements also. BUT you MUST Calibrate – look at their repeating physiological patterns and test them.

What people do with sensual input is part of the way they use their Representational Systems – the systems they use to represent their reality (Sight, Sound, Touch,Smell, Taste and Self Talk)  and the sub modalities, which is how they use their senses  e.g. how bright, how sharp, how loud, etc.

Some people are “Digital”, which means that they offer very little sensual output.
Digitals don’t tend to use sensual words like “see”, “feel”, “sound” etc.
They tend to have a fixed gaze and they may appear to be “in a world of their own” (they are probably in trance).

If a Digital were to explain something in great detail, they would not notice that most of their audience falling asleep – anybody know a professor like that?
Since they offer  little sensual  output they receive little sensual engagement. If someone’s senses are not engaged, they usually go to sleep!

If you think Digitals are nerdy or offbeat, consider how someone who is sensually engaged, behaves, in particular, their language patterns.

I am high Visual so I say things like “do you SEE my point”, as if there is actually a physical sharp object floating in mid air that you can see!!!!!  Clearly illogical.
I am visually representing that I want to know that you understand.

In a conversation with a Digital, I  would get bored very quickly and start LOOKING around because I need visual stimulation quick!
he visual sense has the highest velocity (Sensual Bandwith as  David McCandless describes it in an earlier blog post )
I just couldn’t see the Digital’s point and I would probably end up LOOKING for Mischief Open-mouthed smile

I can’t get into rapport through language or eye movement. Fortunately ….

Rapport is easy, all you need to do is use your head

Meet and Greet

as they say hello watch how they move their head

Do the same back

For example, they may flick their head up and down in a quick, small, nod and then swallow

Do the same back

They may throw their head slightly forward and tilt it downwards so that one of their eyes gets closer to you and is in slightly lower position than before. They may wink at the same time (the smooth talking Hello ladies manoeuvre Winking smile)

Do the same back

Active and Passive

People use their heads in big movements or subtle movements. If they strongly agree they may nod their head strongly up and down – Active – or they may just wink once – Passive. You have to observe how they do Active and how they do Passive – Calibrate

Negative and Positive

Similarly Negative and Positive head movements are distinct like Active and Passive head movements, for example:
left to right and back again repeatedly (shaking one’s head) to represent disagreement – a negative response and upward and downwards (nodding) to represent yes – a positive response.
You have to observe how they do Negative and how they do Positive – Calibrate

Decision Making Strategies

Observe the series of head movements of people while they make decisions and you will usually find they move their heads in a particular pattern.

It may start by a look up to the right, switch to a look upwards to the left and then back again before looking down to their right, a Passive Positive movement of the head.

This pattern will usually be the same for all decisions that they make but you have to observe how they do their Decision Making Strategy – Calibrate

Taking the above example, the person:

  1. probably constructed a visual image (Vc they imagined how the result of the decision looks)
  2. pictured a memory that relates to the decision (Vr)
  3. checked that image against their constructed image (Vc)
  4. asked themselves how they felt about their decision (Ai) and
  5. finally nodded (Passive Positive) as they agreed with their decision

The advantage of observing someone’s decision making strategy is that you can physically make the same movement pattern if you want to influence them
i.e. hurry up or cause a decision when one needs to be made – i.e. they cause them to be in Rapport with you.

Past and Present Orientation

Similarly observe how someone uses their head whilst they relate to past events.
Most people never actually tell you what happened. They tell you the story of what happened, which means their focus is internal and they are usually in a trance state.

They may tilt their head left, while they are speaking.

To interrupt their Past Trance subtly nod your head in the opposite direction – This is a suggestion to their unconscious that should step back into the present where you can suggest by your head movement that they need to make a decision by using THEIR Decision Making Strategy on them.

and there’s more ……..

image wikipedia


Oh well, I asked

Facebook 25th September

Arthur Partridge
I am overdue to post a joke to my blog. Would anybody like to guest blog one?
CLEAN PC please!

Matt Partridge Two cannibals eating a clown, one turns to other and says ‘does this taste funny to you?’ Boom boom tsch!!

In a Word (and more) NOT

I was just thinking about Facebook Posts that I have read, a phone call that I made and something else that I read, in the last 24 hours

We all throw caveats into what we say (or write)

literally throw! Just like ‘Throw Away’ lines.

These lines are like Fishing Lines. We throw the line out because we are fishing for something.  Dr Phil et al, would say we are seeking a Pay Off and I think maybe a Let off is probably more frequent and possibly more accurate.

The great thing about language is it’s impact!
At whatever level, all language is a declaration of intent and that language comes out of us at such high speed. Although it has structure and logic and reasoning, most of it has to come from the unconscious thinking because it is simply too fast to be processed consciously and delivered simultaneously. Its a skill and

all skills are unconscious

You don’t think about the skilful things you do, you just do them.
Ever driven to a destination and when you got there you don’t remember driving there?
You exercised your driving skill. You didn’t think about it.

BUT the great thing about the Caveat is its negativity, because

the unconscious cannot process negatives

That happens in your conscious thinking, not your unconscious thinking.

As an example, let’s review a typical greeting conversation:
“How are you?”
“I’m not too bad” –
there’s the Caveat.

The person uses badness as the measure just in case things go wrong. They declared a expectation that because things are (based on) bad then if things go bad its ok. Its a Let Off. They can’t be disappointed if things go wrong because they were almost expecting it.

What does the unconscious process?

Because it doesn’t process the negative ‘not’, it processes
“I’m not too bad”
That person just told themself that they are too bad

So why is this useful?

Because, if the unconscious cannot process negatives and all skills are unconscious then effective use of negatives can programme us positively!

Try these:
“How are you?”
I’m not too good” –
strange how saying that you are not too good, feels good.  Have you ever noticed that?

“How are you?”
I’m not too happy” –
makes you feel happy just saying that you’re not. Have you ever noticed that?

How are you?”
I’m not too wealthy” –
notice how rich that feels.

It is a ‘Pattern Interrupt’. It’s not in the normal pattern of conversation. It  interrupts it. The brain picks out ‘not’ and ‘too’ for attention but the conversation has moved on so the abnormal not and too  hang around in the conscious waiting to be  processed.

Unconsciously you hear “I’m too wealthy”. That is an unusual thing to say and has to be processed so it can be understood. You’ve just programmed yourself because

effective suggestions are skilfully delivered to the unconscious, unconsciously

To the other party you are too wealthy and that doesn’t make sense. What does too mean? That hangs around in their mind with an association between you and wealth, whilst they try to work it out.  Since they are unlikely to have the time to think about it long enough and there are more important things to think about, it will probably stick.

The word too is too general to be given a value and so the part that they do understand is left behind – I’m wealthy

To them You are wealthy because ultimately they won’t process the rest because it’s confusing and they haven’t got time.

So, how am I today?
I’m NOT having too much fun

How are you?


images wikipedia and

Just Social Know

Just so you know (Just Social Know) – I love ambiguity!

It allows me to do my job and talk in the unconscious mind of my client  while their conscious mind works out which meaning to use. I can do that because I am an Expert! As it happens, a Master Neuro Linguistic Practitioner, fast becoming a Social Media Coach, amongst other things


Social Media usage grows and with it, experts arise. So what is an “Expert”?

An expert is a person or entity that is recommended by a third party to you and then you either accept the third party’s judgement and agree that the person called the “Expert” is an expert or not.

Whether they have the knowledge to back up their expertise is not part of the initial equation. That is second tranche
When you decide they are an expert, you then open up your listening and maybe your mind, to their output.

I read a lot from and get advice from lots of  Social Media experts and I am already seeing contradiction. It is inevitable and happens in every field of expertise. I wouldn’t trust any NLP Practitioner that didn’t question me!

What follows contradiction is confusion. However, installing confusion is a very useful state if you wish to influence someone. I use confusion when dealing with clients. Again, it preoccupies their conscious mind while I work on their unconscious state.

What is Social Media?

To my  mind, Social Media is whatever you agree it to be with your network. Agreement is the key and your network is who you do it with – not the expert. You, with them, are the expert on your sociability!

Lack of Agreement = Assumption

I like  Landmark Education’s thinking! I read it as Agreement first!
Even if there is no agreement, as they say “Having agreement in the face of no agreement”.  Why do I mention this? Because Lack of Agreement = Assumption

If there is lack of agreement then assumption is all that’s left and as they say
“Assumption makes an ass out of you and me!”

Assumption will eventually lead to breakdown and Breakdown will lead to Breakthrough and the cycle starts again, usually leaving casualties, .i.e. people left behind or jobless and much more severe states like poverty and starvation! *

* see below for how to be supportive

So, in the conflicting views that I get about Social Media and what it is supposed to be, I have to agree my values with my fellow posters or Tweeps.

Here, I go along with Thomas Power of Ecademy and Mick Say of  Online Marketing Academy, amongst others. You have to

be Open, Random and Supportive

Open, Random and Supportive versus Closed Selective and Controlling

Daniel Priestley - Author, entrepreneur and international speakerI recently heard Daniel Priestly speak about Social Media.
Social Media is a phenomena – it hasn’t happened before, we are in Social Revolution.

When  Wikileaks broke,  the reaction of the UK Prime Minister, amongst others, was to close down his Twitter account (Closed Selective and Controlling) and not to communicate in that way. He didn’t capitalise on the event, he shut down.

I think I understand why but what was the message? (In the face of no agreement, only assumption is left.)

If I choose, I can assume that I am not to be trusted with what he knows. That it is not for my ears and I am just not that important enough – I can make up almost any negative reason I like.
The point is there is no agreement so assumption is the only alternative.

I agree with Daniel Priestley’s view  that we are migrating from The Industrial Revolution to The Social Revolution.

Industrial to Social Revolution

The Industrial Revolution has led to Business needing controls, selecting what it outputs to protect its image or brand, having controls in place to keep its design intact, managed by systems!

At some point Customer Processing transformed into the misnomer Customer Service – Tweeps and Peeps our needs are being processed through systems not relationships. Businesses are having closed relationships with us.

Socially, never before has the individual had so much clout to change business, society, politics – you name it – so quickly!
Socially, never before has an individual had the clout to promote their cause, beliefs, values –  you name it –  so quickly!

To get an idea of the velocity, look at David McCandless’s work  –
He says, “Let the dataset change the Mind Set” and refers to the broadband of our senses, where Visual and kinesthetic input lead the charge.
Social media uses our senses and Visual and kinesthetic are high impact!

We are amidst a social revolution which some businesses have capitalised and most politicians have not.
Now I believe there is a danger that business will try to own Social Media and determine what it is and so will politics (Control)

The recent UK Riots has seen Politics try to restrict Social MediaGood luck with that, by the way – as if Social Media is to blame for the rioting (Closed Selective and Controlling).
The rioters that used Social Media to communicate their sad operations to others were using tools of communication – you can’t blame a hammer for the damage it may cause. It is the person that is holding the hammer that inflicts the damage and they are inflicting it with no agreement.

No Agreement = No Clout = Assumption = Breakdown = Influence = Clout = Revolution

With the velocity that Social Media has, there is very little point in being Closed Selective and Controlling, any more. It won’t work!

So the information super highway has evolved into the Social Super Highway and influence is the key to success. Influence can only happen through Relationships (kinesthetic) and Relationships function inside of community (Social Networks).

The relationships require sensual input. Taking Sensual bandwidths as the priorities for influencing me with your Social output, you need to stimulate me with :

  1. Visual input
  2. kinesthetic input
  3. Auditory input
  4. Gustatory Olfactory


It is pointless to add  control to the process!

No Agreement = No Clout = Assumption = Breakdown = Influence = Clout
= Revolution  = <<Open, Random Supportive>>

+ <<Closed Selective and Controlling>>

= No Agreement = No Clout = Assumption = Breakdown = Influence = Clout = Revolution = <Open, Random Supportive>> again

Just So You Know @AyPee says Social Media

  • is whatever you agree  with your network
  • needs to be Open, Random and Supportive
  • is about relationships then influence
  • needs to stimulate Visual, Kinesthetic and Auditory responses in that order

and without control

  • needs to be open to any response so it can learn and grow

That’s my brand but only if you agree

* please support the work of