The Heads up on Rapport

“So the Jock said to his unsuspecting listening audience:

Yeah, if they look to the left , they’re lying!”

That was in the blog post from 5th August and so was
“wait until you get onto studying what people do with their heads yet alone the words they use!”
and here it is. You see …

A nod’s as good as a wink

well sort of……
Much is made of body matching to get into rapport with someone:
full body matching, half body matching, mirroring, etc. but actually it is much more simple than that!

Use your head

You don’t have to sit in the same way as the person you are talking to
you don’t have to shape your body into a posture that they are using
you don’t have to follow their movements to get into rapport although it helps and sometimes there is no alternative, such as young love where you just have to mirror and match! Smile

In “That’s a Lie” we looked at what people do with their  eyes, which means we can also quickly glean what is their prime sense. Whether it is Visual or Kinaesthetic or Auditory or Gustatory/Olfactory.

It is fairly safe to assume that if a person repeatedly looks up, whilst in conversation, they are probably accessing remembered (Vr Visual remembered) or constructed images (Vc Visual constructed) and therefore, their strongest sense is probably Visual.

To gain rapport with a Visual you could start using visual words and upward eye movements also. BUT you MUST Calibrate – look at their repeating physiological patterns and test them.

What people do with sensual input is part of the way they use their Representational Systems – the systems they use to represent their reality (Sight, Sound, Touch,Smell, Taste and Self Talk)  and the sub modalities, which is how they use their senses  e.g. how bright, how sharp, how loud, etc.

Some people are “Digital”, which means that they offer very little sensual output.
Digitals don’t tend to use sensual words like “see”, “feel”, “sound” etc.
They tend to have a fixed gaze and they may appear to be “in a world of their own” (they are probably in trance).

If a Digital were to explain something in great detail, they would not notice that most of their audience falling asleep – anybody know a professor like that?
Since they offer  little sensual  output they receive little sensual engagement. If someone’s senses are not engaged, they usually go to sleep!

If you think Digitals are nerdy or offbeat, consider how someone who is sensually engaged, behaves, in particular, their language patterns.

I am high Visual so I say things like “do you SEE my point”, as if there is actually a physical sharp object floating in mid air that you can see!!!!!  Clearly illogical.
I am visually representing that I want to know that you understand.

In a conversation with a Digital, I  would get bored very quickly and start LOOKING around because I need visual stimulation quick!
he visual sense has the highest velocity (Sensual Bandwith as  David McCandless describes it in an earlier blog post )
I just couldn’t see the Digital’s point and I would probably end up LOOKING for Mischief Open-mouthed smile

I can’t get into rapport through language or eye movement. Fortunately ….

Rapport is easy, all you need to do is use your head

Meet and Greet

as they say hello watch how they move their head

Do the same back

For example, they may flick their head up and down in a quick, small, nod and then swallow

Do the same back

They may throw their head slightly forward and tilt it downwards so that one of their eyes gets closer to you and is in slightly lower position than before. They may wink at the same time (the smooth talking Hello ladies manoeuvre Winking smile)

Do the same back

Active and Passive

People use their heads in big movements or subtle movements. If they strongly agree they may nod their head strongly up and down – Active – or they may just wink once – Passive. You have to observe how they do Active and how they do Passive – Calibrate

Negative and Positive

Similarly Negative and Positive head movements are distinct like Active and Passive head movements, for example:
left to right and back again repeatedly (shaking one’s head) to represent disagreement – a negative response and upward and downwards (nodding) to represent yes – a positive response.
You have to observe how they do Negative and how they do Positive – Calibrate

Decision Making Strategies

Observe the series of head movements of people while they make decisions and you will usually find they move their heads in a particular pattern.

It may start by a look up to the right, switch to a look upwards to the left and then back again before looking down to their right, a Passive Positive movement of the head.

This pattern will usually be the same for all decisions that they make but you have to observe how they do their Decision Making Strategy – Calibrate

Taking the above example, the person:

  1. probably constructed a visual image (Vc they imagined how the result of the decision looks)
  2. pictured a memory that relates to the decision (Vr)
  3. checked that image against their constructed image (Vc)
  4. asked themselves how they felt about their decision (Ai) and
  5. finally nodded (Passive Positive) as they agreed with their decision

The advantage of observing someone’s decision making strategy is that you can physically make the same movement pattern if you want to influence them
i.e. hurry up or cause a decision when one needs to be made – i.e. they cause them to be in Rapport with you.

Past and Present Orientation

Similarly observe how someone uses their head whilst they relate to past events.
Most people never actually tell you what happened. They tell you the story of what happened, which means their focus is internal and they are usually in a trance state.

They may tilt their head left, while they are speaking.

To interrupt their Past Trance subtly nod your head in the opposite direction – This is a suggestion to their unconscious that should step back into the present where you can suggest by your head movement that they need to make a decision by using THEIR Decision Making Strategy on them.

and there’s more ……..

image wikipedia


One thought on “The Heads up on Rapport

  1. Hello Arthur:
    Thank you for all this information
    This is so valuable information. I believe this would be great to know from school
    Take care and all the best

    Esther Coronel de Iberkleid
    Life Changing Coach
    “My Journey Toward YOUR success – The Magic Wand of Life”
    “Transforming YOUR Life from the first Session”
    Cel: (591) 730 07479
    La Paz – Bolivia

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