Beauty is only skin deep

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

Hot sexy lipsAfter the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.   There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling”, he replied, “think nothing of it.  I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

source various

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Wise observations for a Monday

  1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
    and beat you with experience

  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list 

  3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak 

  4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.   

  5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.   

  6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.  

  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.   

  8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.   

  9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.   

  10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station

  11. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’   

  12. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 

  13. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 

  14. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness..   

  15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.   

  16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

  17. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.  

  18. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.  

  19. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.  

  20. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

 

Courtesy of Peter Thomson

tgiMondays

Putting your foot in it alone

Once upon a time there was a chap, who after a bitter divorce, became very lonely and so he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted an unusual pet to keep him company.
After much discussion, he decided on a centipede, which he immediately named Carl. It came with a little white box which could be used as its house.

Centipede iStock_000018779056XSmallHe took the box home and found a good location for it, and decided that he would start off by taking his new friend to the pub to have a drink. So he peeked into the opening on the box and said “Hey Carl, would you like to nip down to the pub for a beer?”

There was, however, no reply, and that bothered the chap a bit. A few minutes later he asked again and said “Hey, how about going down to the pub with me for a beer?” But again there was no answer from his new friend. So he waited ten more minutes thinking about the situation and then decided to ask one more time.

He put his mouth up to the opening in the white box and shouted “Hey, you in there, would you like to go to the pub place and have a drink with `

At this, a little voice came out of the box and said “No need to shout, hang on a minute, I heard you the first time. I’m putting on my shoes!”

Late for Work

Late for workTom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. “Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

Thanks to jokeswarehouse.com

Things to Ponder on

There are some extremely valid and searching questions in life and here are but a few and I suspect the most important!

AhaJokes.com Ponderings collection 01

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why areSenior Man Sitting on a Park Bench cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

 

Thanks to ahajokes.com

*** Adult Truths ***

Older Teacher with young smallA friend recently emailed this to me. Apologies if it is your intellectual property or copyright!

Number 10 is so true!
I fully subscribe to numbers 11 and 18 – get me a coffee while I think about that!

 

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die!

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died..

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories..

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to..

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewellers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever…. Men only of course ladies!

22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies…..Quit Laughing.

Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.
Enjoy life!!!

All at See

A Pirate walks into his favourite Inn.
He hadn’t been there in a while but the Innkeeper notices him and says:
“Haven’t seen ya in a while, where ya been? You look terrible!”

“Aye?” said the pirate, “What do you mean?”

Pirate Skull and Paraphernalia iStock_000016885278XSmall“You’ve got a wooden leg! What happened?” said the bartender.

“Well,” said the pirate, “Our ship was in a fierce sea battle, and me leg got hit by a cannon ball, but I’m fine now”

“And what about that hook? Where’s your hand gone?” asked the bartender.

The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook… but I’m fine, really”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh,” said the pirate, “A flock of birds flew over. I looked up to see what they were and got hit by their droppings. Hit me right in the eye!”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from that”

“It was me first day with the hook”

 

 

Source joke various