Imploration

A husband is driving his car;  his wife sitting next to him, when suddenly, he hears a police siren.

A police car pulls in front of his car and he instructed to stop.The Policeman exits his car, comes up to the husband’s window and asks him to get out of his car.

“Sir, do you know that you have been speeding for the last 5 minutes?”
The husband replies, imploringly: “Oh no, I really didn’t notice, officer. I am so sorry, I promise not to do that again ….”.

His wife interrupts: “That’s not true, he knew he was speeding and had no intention of slowing down!”

The police man continues: “Also, may I ask why you don’t have your seat belt on, sir?”
The man replies nervously: “Oh, I released it when I heard your siren so that I would be ready to get out of the car to …..”

Again his wife interrupts: “That’s rubbish! He hasn’t been wearing his seat belt since we left home!”

The husband becomes very angry and yells at his wife: “would you shut up, you stupid #%$!” The police man is shocked and asks the wife: “Mam, are you going to let him speak to you like that?”

The wife replies:
“Oh, don’t worry officer. He is always like that when he’s drunk!”

 

source and image various

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Beauty is only skin deep

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

Hot sexy lipsAfter the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.   There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling”, he replied, “think nothing of it.  I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

source various

Investment in the Future?

salvador-dali-mustacheAn artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

“I have good news and bad news” the owner replied.
“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings”

“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The guy was your doctor”

 

source joke and image various

Pub life

Bar room door glass iStock_000015977274XSmallA man walks into a bar and asks the bar man for a pint.

Whilst the bar man is pours the pint, he sees a dish full of peanuts sitting on the counter. As he looks, the peanuts say to him “you’re nice”. The man, surprised by what he just heard, sinks down into a seat next to the cigarette machine. As he does so , the cigarette machine says to him “you’re horrible”

Astonished by what he just heard, he tells the bar man,  who explains:

“That’s ok sir, the peanuts are always complementary and the cigarette machine is out of order”

source various

A Snail’s Pace

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted “240-S”.

The dealer asks, “Why ‘S’?”

The snail replies, “‘S’ stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who’s driving.”

Well, the dealer doesn’t want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they’d say “Wow! Look at that S-car go!”

Source Jokes and image various