Beauty is only skin deep

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

Hot sexy lipsAfter the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.   There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling”, he replied, “think nothing of it.  I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

source various

Wise observations for a Monday

  1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
    and beat you with experience

  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list 

  3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak 

  4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.   

  5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.   

  6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.  

  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.   

  8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.   

  9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.   

  10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station

  11. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’   

  12. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 

  13. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 

  14. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness..   

  15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.   

  16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

  17. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.  

  18. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.  

  19. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.  

  20. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

 

Courtesy of Peter Thomson

tgiMondays

Putting your foot in it alone

Once upon a time there was a chap, who after a bitter divorce, became very lonely and so he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted an unusual pet to keep him company.
After much discussion, he decided on a centipede, which he immediately named Carl. It came with a little white box which could be used as its house.

Centipede iStock_000018779056XSmallHe took the box home and found a good location for it, and decided that he would start off by taking his new friend to the pub to have a drink. So he peeked into the opening on the box and said “Hey Carl, would you like to nip down to the pub for a beer?”

There was, however, no reply, and that bothered the chap a bit. A few minutes later he asked again and said “Hey, how about going down to the pub with me for a beer?” But again there was no answer from his new friend. So he waited ten more minutes thinking about the situation and then decided to ask one more time.

He put his mouth up to the opening in the white box and shouted “Hey, you in there, would you like to go to the pub place and have a drink with `

At this, a little voice came out of the box and said “No need to shout, hang on a minute, I heard you the first time. I’m putting on my shoes!”

Legal Research

RatLawyerHiRes

At a weekend convention of biological scientists, Hannah, a researcher remarks to Pam,
‘Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?’

‘Really?’ Pam replies, ‘Why did you switch?’

‘Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them,’ chortled Hannah.

Source Various

Seeing eye to eye

From Will and Guy’s Funny Clean Jokes at www.guy-sports.com

Roger left for work on Friday morning.  Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.  Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, ‘How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

Roger replied grimly, ‘That would be fine with me”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye

 

Will Baker

I was born in Southsea, Portsmouth after the 2nd World War had ended and I lived for most of my childhood in Portchester; Trincomalee, Ceylon [Sri Lanka]; and attended the Royal Hospital School, Holbrook, Suffolk. Sport was one of the few things that genuinely excited and interested me and I played and watched avidly.

I trained to be a teacher at Bulmershe College of Education, Reading and later at Sussex University and have taught in Paulsgrove; Leigh Park; Mérida, Yucatán, Mexico; North East Surrey and Gosport. Humour has always been an essential aspect of my teaching and attitude to life in general.

I am extremely happily married to Steve and have been since 1970 and we have two grown up children of whom we are very proud.  Will’s favourite holiday destination is Les Costes, a Holiday Cottage in Pardaillan, Dordogne, France.

I am now retired and am enjoying working with my good friend and ex-teaching colleague, Guy, on our humour website.

Guy Thomas

I was born in Cowbridge, which is in the Vale of Glamorgan in Wales.  My formative years were spent at the local grammar school followed by Cardiff University.

For 4 years I flirted with research into growing better plants.  What I like most about that job was part time teaching of undergraduates so I moved into mainstream education and to the teaching front line.  It was at my first school at Wakeford, in Hampshire that I met Will.

All at See

A Pirate walks into his favourite Inn.
He hadn’t been there in a while but the Innkeeper notices him and says:
“Haven’t seen ya in a while, where ya been? You look terrible!”

“Aye?” said the pirate, “What do you mean?”

Pirate Skull and Paraphernalia iStock_000016885278XSmall“You’ve got a wooden leg! What happened?” said the bartender.

“Well,” said the pirate, “Our ship was in a fierce sea battle, and me leg got hit by a cannon ball, but I’m fine now”

“And what about that hook? Where’s your hand gone?” asked the bartender.

The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook… but I’m fine, really”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh,” said the pirate, “A flock of birds flew over. I looked up to see what they were and got hit by their droppings. Hit me right in the eye!”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from that”

“It was me first day with the hook”

 

 

Source joke various