Can we let this lie?

I was interested to read articles on the BBC News websiteYahoo, and watch a BBC TV News story about diminishing Integrity, in the UK.

The Essex Centre for the Study of Integrity, at Essex University, have carried out a research and there is a PDF, available for download from their web site There is also an Integrity test that you can take and you can find this at essex.ac.uk/government/research/integrity_test.pdf

integrityThe study includes comparisons :
by Social Background,   by Occupational Status,   by Age Group,   how standards have changed between 2000 and 2011 and   measurements for 20 European Countries, from Russia the most honest to Portugal ….. naughty naughty!

     The UK seems to rank 14th … oh dear!

It seems that we are telling lies more and that the standards under which we lie are changing – I guess 

like everything else, it seems to be getting easier to do and yet more complicated to manage.

Coaching the truth

One of the principles that are vital to any form of coaching or mentoring is integrity and telling the truth is part of that. It is not only an auditory activity, it has to show up in all the other senses and be demonstrated physically – I can’t coach you to tell the truth whilst driving you to a restaurant at 50 miles per hours in a 30MPH zone! That would place me out of integrity.

     So I have to BE in integrity as well as speak in integrity.

But there is a stage before that can happen and it is not just gaining rapport. 
I would call it ‘the set up’ or even ‘the mechanics’.

     It’s agreement.

Agreeing a platform or foundation or method where you can tell the truth, even if the other person doesn’t want to hear it!
For me establishing the fact that “there is only here and now” and that “all reasons are made up” seems to work nicely. I take away as much reason as I can so I can to establish a basis of nothing from which we can create.

So that I am in integrity, I have to tell you now, that this is based on the work of Landmark Education, who started my quest for truth and I don’t mean in a traditional spiritual sense. I am not seeking truth, rather living it to the best of my ability, which means that I will slip from time to time and that’s OK.

Rapport

Yes, I would have to gain rapport before I could tell someone a truth they may not wish to hear but I can do that quickly by physically using my head  – i.e. copying their head movements as I meet and greet and then get more involved in conversation with the person I am with – I describe to this in my blog post: “The Heads up on Rapport” 

But the principle is simple:

Lies Leak!

Physically, your body will react and convey that you are telling a lie. If someone is telling us a lie, unconsciously we pick up. It bothers us and we rationally calculate whether we are being told a lie or not, even though our body seems to scream to us that we are.
I talk about this in another blog post: That’s a Lie!

You Gotta Lie Right, right?

Unfortunately, in order to recognise the truth, we have to have a measure of what that looks like, feels like, sounds like, maybe even smells like – Can you smell a rat, here?
Which means we have to know what a lie is.

Without the comparison, the truth would have no meaning or value, so as I say: “I will slip from time to time and that’s OK”.

Its OK because it reinforces what the Truth is.
Notice too that I may slip and that I am not consciously telling lies.

Children live in their imaginations where it is all made up and yet I have known children being chastised for lying when actually they were exercising their imagination. The adult interprets the child’s behaviour as lying and now the child has to live a lie in order to satisfy the adult’s perception of the truth.

I also know of one famous Golf Pro, who avidly denied that he ever sliced the ball even though he did. His failure to acknowledge the fact was an instruction to his brain not to process the that he sliced the ball and therefore removed the brain’s attraction to slice the ball.

     Our brains attract to us what we talk about in our internal dialogue.

The difference is whether the lie is conscious or unconscious and the real driver is not whether something is Good, Bad, Right or Wrong or even any combination of those, rather to follow what is intended by the agreement (or rules if they exist) and do what works.

So for me to access the truth and build on it:

  • Elicit rapport
  • Get agreement
  • Set intention
  • Be integral
  • Remove reason
  • Change language
  • Explore unconscious
  • Become conscious
  • Iterate until job done

     and that’s the truth!!!

     Should you lie? No! It’s not Wrong, it just doesn’t work and it leaks!

images various sources

Advertisements

That’s a Lie!

NLP

is becoming more popular and there is a lot of interest being expressed in some of its techniques and practices but this being a good thing has its problems. Exactly, as some purported Social Media gurus out there who learn a little and peddle a lot, they can cause misconception.

The other day on a UK national digital radio station on a morning show the Jock, talking to his colleagues in the studio, as well as the unsuspecting listening audience said:

Yeah, if they look to the left , they’re lying!

An absolute case of a little learning becoming a dangerous thing!

Just for the record (every pun intended) and I hope of some use to you, if you are going to watch people and in particular their faces to glean what is going on with them …. Calibrate what they do!

There are generalisations that are used to explain how humans work but these are not to be used in a general way! …. Calibrate!

Look at the person you are listening to

Watch the person that you are in conversation with and notice the physiological patterns that they use repeatedly and then test them to confirm if what you glean is right.

I am not suggesting that you take the Dr. Cal Lightman approach of standing one foot from their face seemingly staring up their right nostril even if I do love that show!

Eye Accessing Cues

has also been referred to as Mind Reading.

Here is a generalised  way of explaining Eye Accessing Cues , based on looking at a typical Right Handed person:

EYES UP – If they look up they may be assembling pictures in their mind
EYES LEVEL to one side – If they look to the side they may be assembling sounds in their mind
EYES DOWN – If they look down then they may be assembling feelings in their mind or talking to themselves

The degree of how UP LEVEL or DOWN will vary on the person and the complexity or weight of the assembly … Calibrate!   Their eyes may flick slightly in a given direction or make a bold movement in that direction or something in between – we are all different.
We move in the ways that we have practiced most.

See what they do repeatedly with their eyes whilst in the conversation

Constructed versus Remembered

To make matters more complicated and this is where most of the misunderstanding occurs:
EYES UP RIGHT – if a person looks UP  to the RIGHT they may be constructing a picture
EYES LEVEL RIGHT – similarly if a person looks LEVEL  to the RIGHT they may be constructing a sound

They may be constructing. It does not mean that they are lying!

It could be that are thinking about what they may say next and trying it out in their mind first – like a dress rehearsal.

They may be lying but you must Calibrate – look at the repeating physiological patterns and test them by asking questions or making statements that presuppose an answer, for example

“I bet you always do that”
“That must be annoying”

EYES DOWN RIGHT – looking DOWN  to the RIGHT is where they may be assembling feelings: emotional, tactile, physiological
– Try this: imagine what its like when you finger tips are frozen?  Where did your eyes go?

Generally speaking, eye movements to the left are remembered:

Eyes UP LEFT remembering a picture of what happened or what they saw
Eyes LEVEL LEFT remembering the sound of what happened or what they heard
Eyes DOWN LEFT talking to themselves

You could presuppose that a left handed person would use their brain in the opposite direction to a right handed person – be careful! They may not conform or may only conform in part. They may demonstrate a right handed person’s characteristics

Calibrate – look at the repeating physiological patterns and test them

BUT

Here is my best advice!
Go with your gut instinct because your unconscious mind has listened and watched while you were running your conscious mind, doing the observing thing and that logical thing we do.

Be still, be quiet to allow your unconscious to guide you.

Oh, and the liar?

One of the most efficient way to test a lie is to ask the person to repeat the story backwards .. “Where did you say you were, just before that?” “What did you say a minute ago?”
The chances are that they would have constructed a story line forward in time with no memory of the events they describe, because they didn’t exist

Since they didn’t actually experience the event by taking in all the information that a real experience would have given to their senses they would find it difficult to construct the story in reverse unless they have rehearsed their story well.

Even then the lie will leak and you can detect it with practice.

NOW

wait until you get onto studying what people do with their heads yet alone the words they use! Here, we have only considered what they do with their eyes

Happy Calibrating and be careful of helpful Radio Jocks!

images used: Lie to Me fanpop.com
Pinocchio appears on may web sites but the original is probably from The Disney Company